Mark Twain once took a pickle off my plate at a restaurant and remarked "Try as you may to explain, it is doubtful that anyone will accept what has transpired here today." And no one ever has.

I caught Monet cheating.

I had the "collector's dream" again last night; the dream in which the collector finds an incredible trove of those items that often elude him.

Greeting card no one will ever need:

I'm sorry I alphabetized your Netflix queue.

"I left you alone for five minutes, what happened?"

 "Well, I got bored and started pushing buttons."

Cutting with the dull side of the knife.

Shootout at the circus.